4/15/17

I don’t think I was ready. But, I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.

This sounds very dramatic and I’m not really sorry because I tend to be dramatic about this type of thing. And if you think about it, it’s not that dramatic at all. I got my heart broken several months ago and I’m just still not ready to dive back into that.

I’m not going to be passive aggressive about this. I’ve never truly written down or spoken about what exactly happened between me and this person, so here goes nothing.

August

We meet on the 15th day of August. We both happened to be working a similar shift time and I swear if I could go back and call out, get someone to cover, or just not show up to this shift…….I would have because here’s where the storm starts. The second I introduced myself , something in the back of my mind was telling me to run away as far as I could, but my feet wouldn’t let me. It was so easy. Talking and laughing like new friends do, and yet that feeling in the back of my head would not shut up. I wish I listened to that feeling, and I regret not listening to it.

Towards the end of his shift, he asked for my number and followed me on Instagram.

Red alert #1

10 minutes after he clocked out, he texted me.

Red alert #2

Shortly after that, he added me on snapchat and sent a snap immediately.

RED ALERT #3

We texted for a few hours, and eventually moved to snapchat because he had an iPhone and I have an android so texting was……”difficult” as he phrased it.

Spare the minor and unimportant details of how there was major flirting through snapchat, while working, and so on and so forth.

We move to August 30th.

I’m going to jump around on these details because it’s kind of uncomfortable and honestly, it happened and again, I wish I didn’t do it.

So, the mind of a teenage boy thinks about a certain thing every 7 seconds. You know where I’m going with this, and no that’s not exactly what happened.

He wanted pictures. And I was terrified. But…….me being stupid and being blinded by the fact that he was just using me and I thought that he actually liked me……I went ahead and did it.

Yeah, it was kind of awkward knowing that it’s out there and that he was screenshotting it made me feel really embarrassed and guilty.

September

Someone is an idiot. No, not me. He forgot to request off a weekend so he could go hunting. Theres 2 problems with this a) you work in retail so weekends don’t exist b) you knew about this for a month and didn’t think to request it off?

And so he asks me to cover his shifts for this weekend and I gladly accept because I was in no place to be saying no to extra shifts bc $$$ and, he was asking me out of everyone else to do him a favor.

Again, blinded by the fact that he was just using me.

The labor day weekend rolls around and because my class schedule is only M/W, I had the previous Thursday  through the day after Labor Day off. This presents itself  with a perfect setup for something to go wrong.

Which it did.

The most dangerous question: Do you wanna come over?

Oh, if it was anybody else it might seem less dangerous or whatever but my heart dropped. Of course I said yes and low and behold, tragedy struck when once again I was completely blinded by everything that he is.

When a hormonal teenage boy asks you to come over in broad daylight on a Tuesday afternoon to go swimming when he’s home alone……WHAT DID I THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN.

Because whatever you think happened……..WELL IT HAPPENED.

BIGGEST REGRET OF MY LIFE.

And yet, somehow I was still NOT good enough for him.

After the countless hours I stayed up talking to him, the numerous shifts I took for him but yet he couldn’t return the favor, the sacrifices I made just to hang out with him and guess what happens after he got exactly what he wanted??

October

It’s been almost a month since the incident and he’s said maybe….2..maybe 3 words to me?

I wish I knew what I did but, it wasn’t anything I did because he’s the one who chose this.

He barely speaks to me, can’t even look at me, and goes out of his way to avoid me at all costs.

What did I do to deserve this? NOTHING. I did absolutely nothing to be completely ignored, hurt, and broken by this person who has no compassion and doesn’t give the slightest care in the world about how he hurt me.

November

So, now it’s been about 2 months.

We don’t snapchat, speak, or literally have any communication other that the few words we mumble to each other at work.

Why did this happen and why was it not clear to me that he was just using me.

It shouldn’t be my fault but it a way it is. I get too attached way too easily however, if he didn’t want me to fall so hard for him then he shouldn’t have stayed up until 3am talking to me, or flirting with me constantly, or saying everything that I wanted to hear……..but then again he’s just a really good manipulator.

None of it was real and he made a point to tell me that straight to my face.

He also told me that I was a 4/10 on his scale but that my best friend was a 7. My best friend who has a boyfriend but he claimed ” not for long”. Like she would go for him……really?

Towards the end of November, a miracle happened.

He quit.

That afternoon of his last day was the last time I ever saw him in person.

December

He still views my snapchat story and likes my instagram pictures.

We don’t snapchat or talk.

January

I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story, but not completely from snapchat

February

I un added and blocked him completely on snapchat

March

He unfollowed me on instagram.

I blocked him on instagram, deleted and blocked him number.

April

He’s 100% completely out of my life………and yet almost 7 months later he still remains the reason why I can not feel anything towards someone without the overwhelming fear of hurt, pain, and deception.

Well, fuck you.

I don’t want to say his name because he doesn’t deserve to even be called by a name.

After everything he did and how he chose to leave things instead of just being upfront and honest with me….

Yeah, fuck you.

Fuck you for leaving me so broken that it’s physically draining to think about all of this again and knowing that you don’t even care about it makes you that much more of a selfish and egotistical asshole.

rot in hell douchbag.

Sincerely,

you know my name …….or did you just wanna pretend that you have no idea who I am and tell your friends that I made it all up?

Yeah, that happened.

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